A Long Road to Follow
by operachick
Summary: Abby has a lot to think about. Set immediately following "Rampage" season seven finale. Luka/Abby fic.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters

Disclaimer:I don't own any of the characters.Someday…

Spoilers:Through season 7

Rating:PG for now.If any further chapter needs a different rating, I will specify.

"A Long Road to Follow"

It had been a bad day.The sheer trauma that had gone on in the ER today was more than Abby had needed to see in an entire lifetime.And to top it off, Luka had turned in her med school reinstatement form, and Carter told her basically that he was in love with her.It had been a bad day.

Abby left to go home as soon as her shift ended- she didn't even look for her boyfriend.She just wanted to go home and get away from it all.She really wanted a drink, but she knew that wasn't the answer.She just wanted to crawl into bed and make the entire world disappear.

She settled on a pint of Ben and Jerry's instead of a drink.Not a healthy substitute, but she needed something.As she settled on the couch to watch some mind-numbing television, she heard a knock at the door.She figured it must be Luka."Come in," she yelled.He had his own keys.

"Abby, why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

"I'm tired.I just wanted to go home."

"I'm really sorry about your med school form.I really thought that you had just forgot.I'll take care of any fees if they come after you for summer tuition."

"Forget it.I'll take care of it."Abby said this rather flatly.

"I'm sorry, Abby."

"Don't be sorry Luka.I know you meant well.Look, I just don't want to talk tonight.I just want to be alone right now."

"Abby," he said gently, "You never want to talk.I want to help you, I want to be there for you, but I don't know how."

"Luka, I don't want to talk about it.That's just who I am.If you can't accept that, maybe we have no business being together."

"Maybe we don't Abby.But I think that we do.But if I can't help you, I hope that you find somebody who can.You have to talk to someone Abby.You're not happy.I've seen you happy, and this isn't it.I love you, Abby.Please talk to someone."

Abby looked away.

"I'm going home.Please talk to someone Abby.I'm sure that Dr. Legaspi can give you the name of a good therapist, and if you want me to, I'll come with you.I mean that.And I meant it when I said I love you."Luka leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead.He could see a tear running down her cheek.

"Just go," she whispered.

He left.

Abby wanted to call Carter, but she knew she couldn't.She felt bad.She knew that he had a crush on her, but she chose to ignore it.She ignored a lot of things.Sometimes life just worked better if you just ignored what you didn't want to see.She loved Carter, as a friend.He reminded her a lot of her brother, and she didn't really have any friends besides Luka.She used to hang out with the OB nurses, before she started med school.Then she got too busy.She and Richard used to have a lot of social acquaintances, but they were more his friends.They had gotten married in Vegas, just so Abby wouldn't have to deal with finding a maid of honor.Besides, she wouldn't have even wanted to invite anyone anyways.Even when she was a kid, she didn't really have friends.She was always too embarrassed to bring anyone home.And now that she was out of school, and on her own, she still didn't have any friends.She didn't know how to make them.

Carter had been her first real friend.At least she thought so.She should have figured that once she had found him, something would go wrong.Carter had lots of other friends, and there were lots of women interested in him.He was doing much better with his recovery.He'd be okay.

Luka.She pushed him away- just like she had pushed Richard away.She cared about Luka very much, but she just couldn't deal with him.He was too nice to her.It would be much better if she were just alone.She didn't need anyone, and no one needed her.Luka would find someone much better, someone who could talk for hours with him, and give him healthy children.

"Everyone will be okay but me," Abby thought to herself.She finished off her pint of ice cream and went to bed."At least I won't have a hangover in the morning," she mused."I'll just be alone."

To be continued.


	2. Part 2

"I should have never left her," Luka thought to himself

"A Long Road to Follow" Part 2

"I should have never left her," Luka thought to himself."She shouldn't be alone."He started to walk back towards her apartment, but he stopped.He knew that she wouldn't talk.She never talked.She never made him talk.

Luka knew all too well about not wanting to talk.He liked to keep his problems to himself.It was only with people that he really trusted that he could open up to.He trusted Abby, but he didn't want to burden her with his problems.He knew that she had a lot to deal with herself.He was determined that he was going to help her.

He was at a total loss for how to describe how much it meant to him that she was there when he needed her.He had thought it so wonderful that she didn't make him talk after he had beaten the mugger to death.He didn't want to talk about it.He didn't know how to express the remorse he felt, the hurt he felt, in words.He thought that Abby being there for him was because she just understood him.That was true, on one level, but they couldn't spend their entire lives in silence.

Luka had begun to open up with Abby recently, and while she was a patient and caring listener, she never made a move to open up herself.He thought that maybe she would come to trust him more in time, but it was becoming apparent to him that she needed to open up now, or their relationship was doomed.And he didn't want that.He was in love.He suspected Abby was not quite there yet, but that she was very close to falling in love with him.

The next day when Luka went into work, he first looked for Abby.She wasn't there.He checked the schedule, and saw that she had traded for a graveyard shift."She really is avoiding me," he thought.When he had a bit of down time, he wandered up to psych.He saw Kim Legaspi, and went to speak to her.

"Dr. Legaspi, could I have a moment?"

"Sure, I only have a few minutes, I have to meet with Dr. Romano shortly."

"I'm concerned about a friend of mine, and I was hoping that maybe you could recommend a therapist for her.She really needs to talk to someone, and I know she won't ask for help herself."

"Sure Luka, do you mind if I call you Luka?"

"Please do."

"Luka, I'll send you a list of therapists a little later.And if your friend needs someone to talk to before then, she can call me anytime."

"Thank you Dr. Legaspi."

"Please call me Kim.And really, Ab- your friend can call me.I know she needs help.I hope you can convince her to get it."

"I'll try."

Luka walked away and returned to the ER.

He decided to stop by Abby's apartment before he returned home.She wouldn't be going in for a few hours after he left, and given her condition last night, he figured that she would be home.

He knocked at the door.No answer."She's avoiding me," he thought.He took out his keys and let himself in.Abby was still on the couch, sitting in front of the television.

"Abby."

"What do you want Luka?I have to leave for work in a little while."

"I don't like the way we left things last night.I'm worried about you."

"Don't worry, I'm not my mother.I'm not going to do anything drastic."

"I got you the names of some therapists.I really think you should talk to one.I'm thinking of going to one myself."

"Really?"She sounded genuinely surprised.

"I know that I have problems too, Abby.I know I'm not perfect."

"Luka…" she drifted off.What was the point?She didn't want to encourage him.She just wanted him to leave.

"Will you please think about it, Abby?"

"I'll think about it.But please go, Luka.I don't want to see you right now.I think that it would be better- for both of us."

"I'll go for now.I will give you your space, but I can't stop caring about you, Abby." 

Luka left, this time without touching her.He didn't want her to see how upset he was.


	3. Part 3

"A Long Road to Follow" Part 3

"A Long Road to Follow" Part 3

"I freakin' hate graveyard shifts.Why do I do this to myself again?"Abby thought this out loud, but to no one in particular."That's right Lockhart, so you don't have to talk to Luka.It works well, doesn't it?"This was the third graveyard shift Abby had worked in the past few days.She had been trading all of her day shifts away so she wouldn't have to face Luka.Unfortunately, one of the attendings was sick tonight, and Luka had been called in.He would be there in a few minutes.Abby went about stocking supplies.It would be a long night.

She saw Luka walk in the doors.He acknowledged that she was there, but didn't come over to talk to her.He went straight into the lounge, and then came out to check the board.Abby wasn't sure whether she should be grateful that he was respecting her wishes, or upset that he didn't seem to care.She decided not to decide for now, and go on about her work.

It was not one of those busy nights in the ER.There were a handful of drunks that came in after last call, more looking for a warm place to sleep than for medical attention.Other than that, there was no excitement.She hadn't spoken to Luka all evening, other than when he asked her to start an IV on a patient.In fact, he was asleep in the on-call room right now.In a way, Abby was glad.She was getting what she wanted, right?She wanted him to leave her alone; she didn't want him to try to make her talk.Abby sighed.She didn't know what she wanted.

Morning finally came.Abby finished up her charts, and went into the lounge to get her coat.Luka was in there, doing the same.He didn't say anything to her, but he rested his hand on her shoulder, and gave her a quick squeeze.Abby smiled slightly, and asked him "did you sleep well?"

"No, I didn't sleep at all."Luka withdrew his hand, and put his coat on.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."Luka took Abby's coat from her hand and held it for her to put on.

"Would you like to grab breakfast at Doc Magoo's with me?My treat?"

Luka smiled."I would love to.Are you sure you want to do that?"

"I'm sure.I miss you."

"I miss you too, Abby."

They walked over to the diner in silence.Abby just wanted to be near Luka.He had become such an important part of her life, although Abby hadn't realized it.She still wasn't ready to open up to him, though.

They got a booth, and ordered their breakfasts.

"I called a couple of the therapists on the list, Abby.I'm going to see one of them next week."

"That'll be good."

"Have you called any of them?"

"No."

"I really hope you will Abby.There's no shame in talking to a therapist.Sometimes an objective listener is just what you need."

"I've thought about it.I just don't think that it will do anything for me."

"Why don't you give it a try, Abby?Give it a month, and then if you really don't think it's helping, you don't have to go back."

"I'll think about it, if it will make you feel better."

"Don't do it for me Abby, do it for yourself."

"Okay."

Their breakfasts arrived, and they began to eat in silence.

"Luka, it's not that I don't trust you.I do.I just don't know what to say sometimes…"

"It's alright Abby.Please give one of those therapists a call."

"I will."

They finished, and when the check came, Luka tried to pay it but Abby stopped him. 

"I told you I'd get it."

"Thank you, Abby."

Abby smiled, paid the check, and got up from the table."I'll see you around?"

"Yes.And Abby- you don't have to keep taking graveyard shifts. You don't have to avoid me- I'm not going to try to push you to talk."

"I won't take anymore, I promise.Thank you, Luka."

"For what?"

"For caring."

Abby walked out of the diner, and to her car.She drove herself home, and started calling therapists.She made herself an appointment for the following day.


	4. Part 4

"A Long Road to Follow" Part 4  
  
Abby paced impatiently outside of the therapist's office. "I don't want to be here," Abby thought. She was beginning to regret her decision to come. "I really don't think that this will help. What is this going to do for me?" Abby continued to keep her thoughts to herself. She sat on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area, and filled out the form that had been left for her. A few minutes later, the door opened.  
  
"Are you Abby Lockhart?" A middle-aged woman poked her head out of the door.  
  
"Yeah, that's me."  
  
"Why don't you come on in?"  
  
Abby entered the room and looked around. Lots of books lined the shelves of the room. There were two comfortable looking leather chairs and a couch. Abby handed the clipboard and form to the woman, and chose one of the chairs to sit in.  
  
"I'm Darlene King. It's really nice to meet you, Abby." She looked down at the form Abby had filled out. "Your mother is Bipolar?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm." Abby looked down at the floor.  
  
"It's okay Abby. It's just helpful to know if there is any history that can impact your mental health. Do you know anything about your father? I noticed that you left those spaces blank."  
  
"I haven't seen my father since I was seven years old. As far as I know, he has no history of mental illness. Unless you consider marrying my mother the act of a mentally ill person."  
  
"Um-hmm. He's still living?"  
  
"As far as I know. I haven't tried to get in touch with him in years."  
  
"You have tried to get in touch with him before?"  
  
"Yeah. Before I got married. I had this fantasy notion that I would have my whole family at my wedding. Didn't work out that way, though."   
  
"I'm sorry to hear that. I see that you're also a recovering alcoholic. How long have you been sober?"  
  
"Five, almost six years."  
  
"So, Abby, I know that we talked about this a little on the phone, but tell me, what brings you here today."  
  
"My boyfriend has been begging me to talk to a therapist because I won't talk to him."  
  
"Why won't you talk to him?"  
  
"Because I don't want him to know the stuff that's bothering me."  
  
"Why not? He must care about you a great deal if he's encouraging you to talk to a therapist?"  
  
"Because I don't think he can understand. He and I have lived very different lives."  
  
"Is there someone else that you have talked to? A friend perhaps?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So there are people that you think can understand?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why don't you think that your boyfriend can't understand?"  
  
"I don't know. Isn't that what I'm paying you for?"  
  
"You're paying me to help you find the answers, not to provide them for you. Only you have the answers."  
  
Abby rolled her eyes, in her typical style. "This is really stupid. I don't like to share my problems. I like to keep them to myself."  
  
"If that were true, you wouldn't share them with some friends. Do you not trust your boyfriend?"  
  
"I trust him. I just don't want him to know some things about me. Shouldn't there be some mystery in a relationship?"  
  
"I think that mystery in a relationship has more to do with not sharing our bathroom habits than with not sharing our fears and hurts."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Look Abby, nobody is forcing you to be here. I think that you can benefit from our sessions. I think that you can not only learn to communicate with your boyfriend, but I think that you can learn to feel better about yourself. I think that you need to do this as much, if not more, for yourself than for your boyfriend."  
  
Abby sat in silence.  
  
"We're out of time for today. Will I see you again next week?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be here," Abby said softly.  
  
"Well, in that case, I'll see you then."  
  
"Thanks." Abby got up and let herself out of the room.   
  
Abby decided that she needed to talk a walk to clear her head. She headed to the park where she and her mother had been walking not to long ago. "I like being alone." Abby said it to herself, as if she was trying to convince herself. "I don't need anyone. I don't have to talk to anyone." Abby repeated this mantra over and over again, as tears streamed down her face. Going to therapy had brought up far more for Abby than she had anticipated.   
  
Abby headed home. Even though it was spring, it was cold out. She needed to go home and think.  
  
  
  
  



	5. Part 5

"A Long Road to Follow" Part 5  
  
Sometimes Abby retreated into a dark place inside herself, a place where there was no hurt, but also no joy. It was a place where there were no feelings at all. She went there when her feelings were too much to handle. When she didn't know what to do, or something so good happened to her, or when something horrible happened to her, it was her solace. She had been spending a lot of time there lately.  
  
One might wonder why Abby had retreated to this place recently. She found herself slipping into this black hole when her mother tried to commit suicide, but was able to pull herself out when her mother was out of danger. She was able to be in touch with herself to try and fight and help her mother get well. She had bumpy road, with all that she and her mother went through, but it was the kind of event that Abby could handle, one that just made her stronger. It was the good in her life that caused her to retreat into her hidden place. She didn't know how to handle the good. The good in her life had come in the form of a man named Luka Kovac.  
  
No one had ever made Abby feel so special. Yes, she also had a wonderful friend in John Carter, but that wasn't the same thing. John did wonderful things for her, like helping her collect her mother from Oklahoma, both emotionally and financially. But Carter did it for the pleasure of her company, and as she later realized, because he had a crush on her. Carter didn't expect anything from her in return. Luka did things because he was emotionally invested in her, and he expected the same from her. It was true, she was invested in him, but she didn't know how to express that, without getting hurt. The ones she loved always hurt her. First her father, then her mother, then her ex-husband. She couldn't risk that kind of hurt from Luka.   
  
It had been three days since Abby had her first therapy session. She didn't really know what to make of it, other than it made her think of things in her life that were less than pleasant. But, the carpet that she swept these things under was getting mighty lumpy. She couldn't keep doing this. Telling her therapist would be one thing, but would she be able to open up to anyone that she actually cared about? Could she tell these things to Luka? Could she tell him that she was terrified of having children, knowing that was probably what he wanted most out of life?  
  
Abby was at home, spending yet again another evening on her couch. She was beginning to tire of her nightly ritual, though. She had watched enough mind-numbing television to last her a lifetime recently. She really did like that show on NBC though, the one about the doctors and nurses. Anyways, she was ready to start doing a little more. She was lonely.   
  
Abby picked up the phone and began dialing. "Am I sure I want to do this?"   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Luka? It's Abby." A long pause followed.  
  
"Is everything okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was a little lonely though, and was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something?"  
  
"Are you sure? Because I'd love to see you. I'm just not so sure that you want to really see me."  
  
"I miss you."  
  
"I miss you too Abby. Do you want me to come over?"  
  
"That would be nice."  
  
"I'll be there in a little while."  
  
"See you then."  
  
Abby hung up the phone with a loud click. Maybe they could just go out to the movies, somewhere where they wouldn't have to talk. Abby still wasn't ready for that, but she couldn't stand to be alone any longer.  
  
*********************  
  
Luka let himself in when he arrived to Abby's apartment. He carried with him a small bunch of flowers. He hoped it would make her smile.  
  
"I'll be out in a minute!" Abby called from the bathroom.  
  
"So, do you want to go somewhere, or should we just rent a movie and order dinner in?" Luka asked when Abby emerged. He was searching for a vase to put the flowers in. "I know you like dried ones, but I thought these might look nice," he said sheepishly.  
  
"Thank you." A bright smile lit up across Abby's face. "Let's stay in."  
  
Abby found a vase for the flowers, and then searched through her stack of take-out menus. She pulled a blue flyer out of the pile, and hid it under a stack of books, with a smile on her face. "No Thai tonight!"  
  
"Anything you want, Abby, is fine with me."  
  
They ordered Chinese food. Luka flipped through the videos on Abby's shelf.  
  
"I got a new one- it's called Committed. It has a really cute Croatian actor in it."  
  
"I don't know if I can stand the competition. "  
  
Luka picked the tape up, and popped it in the VCR. They settled down on the couch to watch the movie. Abby snuggled up in Luka's arms. It had been a while since she had done that. She had forgotten how good it felt.  
  
"Abby?" Luka said her name softly.  
  
"What, Luka?"  
  
"You don't have to answer if you don't want, but I had a question for you."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Why don't you talk to Carter anymore? Did something happen?"  
  
There was a knock at the door before Abby could say anything.  
  
"Food must be here." Abby breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't know what she should say to Luka. She didn't want him to be angry with her or Carter.   
  
Luka got up to answer the door. Soon, they were lost in meaningless conversation about the merits of putting duck sauce on fried rice. That was followed by silence as they watched the movie. The movie ended, and they still sat in silence. Neither made a move to get up from the couch. Abby lay in Luka's arms. Neither of them wanted to ruin the moment. Tonight was the first night in weeks that they had spent together, and both needed the companionship, needed to reach out to another person. Finally, Abby broke the silence.  
  
"Carter told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore."  
  
"Why? Did you two have a fight?"  
  
"Not exactly. We were on a coffee break, and were just having one of our bitch sessions. I was telling him about my med school application, how you had submitted it. And he said he didn't want me to talk to him about you anymore. He didn't want to wish bad things for you and I."  
  
Luka sat in silence, processing what he had just heard. He felt like he was missing something. "Why would he wish bad things for us, Abby? I know I'm not one of Carter's favorite people, but..."  
  
"He likes me," Abby whispered.  
  
"I know he likes you, Abby. Everyone likes you." Luka sounded confused.  
  
"As more than a friend."  
  
"Oh." Luka was stunned.  
  
They sat in silence again, but now, Abby was sitting on the other end of the couch.  
  
"Abby-"  
  
"I'm sorry Luka, I shouldn't have told you."  
  
"No Abby, I'm glad you told me." He paused. "Do you 'like' him too?" Luka was nearly chocking as he asked this.  
  
Abby turned so that she could look at Luka's eyes. She could see how hurt he looked. She hadn't meant to hurt him. "I love him as a friend, Luka. Only as a friend."  
  
A look of relief washed over Luka's face. He was glad to know this, but he was still bothered. Although Abby said she didn't return Carter's sentiment, he didn't think that things were over entirely between Abby and Carter. He had a sinking feeling.  
  
"Luka, please don't be angry with me, or Carter."  
  
"I'm not angry Abby. Just surprised."  
  
Abby didn't see any anger in his face, but she still saw hurt. Opening up always led to hurt. She wanted Luka to be happy. She moved closer to him on the couch, and put her hand on his arm. He responded by drawing her into an embrace. He just wanted to hold her.   
  
Abby looked up at him. She kissed him. He responded. They continued to kiss. Abby started to pull Luka's shirt over his head, but Luka stopped her, and pulled away. "I think I need to go, Abby," he whispered.  
  
Abby remained mute. Luka collected his jacket, and left.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Part 6

A Long Road to Follow, Part 6

A Long Road to Follow  


** Part 6**  
"It 's been days since he left my apartment. I was stunned; Luka has never been one to leave like that. He may be a gentleman, but he never turns me down when there's an opportunity for sex. I'm certainly mot the first that he's had since his wife died, but there were many long dry spells in between lovers. He usually likes to make up for lost time. 

It's not just the physical act that he craves, though he certainly enjoys it. It's the closeness that he always missed the most. He's told me that he hadn't found that since his wife died-that is, until our first time together. We hadn't spent much quality time together before that night, but there was a spiritual, healing aspect to the encounter. He needed something. He needed to connect with another human being, someone who cared for him. I needed to be that person. 

When I first met Luka, I thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen up close-I still so. I never imagined that a man like that would ever be interested in me. While I know at the time that being involved with him was not an option, I certainly entertained the idea more than once. When it finally did become a possibility-after Carol left, when my divorce was final and then when I was kicked out of med school, I felt like a bumbling idiot around him. God, when I first kissed him… ugh, I don't even want to think about that. But once he found out that I was divorced, I felt like he might be actually interested in me, and it was more than I could handle. I've never had a man like Luka interested in me. He's handsome, he's wonderful, he cares about me… and then I realize I don't have just one man like that interested in me; I have two. 

John Carter. I must admit, I was a bit attracted to him when I first met him. He too was attractive, and nice. Not really my type, but still good fantasy material. When I saw John shooting up though, and thought I had ever had about him up to that moment went right out of my mind. When I saw him with that needle, I knew John was not for me. John is not a bad person; he made a bad choice, as I have many, many times in my life. But I can't go down that road again. 

After John's recovery, on the day he told me he had feelings for me, I knew. I played dumb, I had hoped it would be easier for him that way, but I knew. I never meant to lead him on. He was a wonderful friend, the first "girlfriend," as he called it that I had ever had. I did suspect that he had feelings for me, even before my mother pointed it out to me. 

I will admit this once, and once only. I was enjoying the attention I was receiving from John, and the jealously he had started to stir in Luka. I used John. It wasn't a conscious thing; one day he was just my friend, and another I realize that he's driving Luka crazy. Luka, who never appeared to get jealous, was being driven crazy by Carter. I loved it. It finally seemed like Luka truly cared. But… I never meant it to get out of hand like this. Now I've lost them both. I used them both in my own sick game, and I'm alone again. Just like where I started from." With this, Abby burst into tears. 

"Abby, this is the best work you've done. This is a major breakthrough, and you should be proud of yourself for admitting this." 

"So?" Tears continued to flow. "It doesn't matter now... Luka will never care about me… he won't be able to care about me again." 

"I'm not going to lie to you and say that everything will be fine. Luka may not be able to forgive you. If he's in love with you as much as it sounds, he might be able to work on forgiving you. It's a possibility." 

"So what... what do I do?" 

"Give him time. In the meanwhile, you need to work on forgiving yourself. You made a mistake: you are only human." 

"I made of hell of a mistake." 

"You did what felt natural, and what felt good at the time. Those are basic human instincts. What you failed to do was consider what your actions would mean to others. From what you've described, it wasn't what you thought of. The great thing about human nature is: you'll never do that again. It's a basic conditioning process: hurting others caused you pain. Humans generally learn from not to do something again. It's like putting your hand on a hot stove. Once you burn yourself, you're more careful in the future. Now the trick is healing the burn." 

Abby looked up. "Sometimes burns leave nasty scars." 

"Sometimes they do." 

************************************************************ 

"Good morning, Abby." Luka hung his coat in his locker and turned to leave the room. 

"Luka, wait." 

"What?" 

"Can we talk later, maybe over lunch?" 

"It looks like it's going to be very busy today." 

"I'll wait until your shift is over." 

"I'm not sure that we need to talk." 

"Please, just meet me later?" 

"I'll see what I can do." 

Luka left the room and headed over to the board. Abby remained in the lounge, and poured herself a cup of coffee. She had been debating for the last couple of days whether she should try to talk to Luka or not. It was time for her to begin healing those burns: hers and Luka's. She needed to let Luka know how much he meant to her. 

************************************************************ 

Although there were several patients waiting to be seen earlier, the ER had cleared out after the lunch rush. Luka had no patients waiting, so he decided to approach Abby. He decided he wanted to hear what she had to day. 

"Abby." 

"Hey." A soft smile washed over Abby's face. 

"I have time for lunch if you still want to go." 

"I'd love to. Just give me a couple of minutes to finish up." 

"Okay. I'll wait for you here." 

Abby turned to quickly check on one of her patients, and to go grab her purse. She took several deep breaths as she went about her business. She was very nervous about talking with Luka. The last time just had not gone well. Abby was not ready to give up on this relationship. 

Abby grabbed her purse from her locker, and started to leave the lounge. As she opened the door, Carter was on his way in. 

"Uh... hi, John." 

"Abby." John nodded his head, and then walked right past her. Luka watched the interaction from the admit desk. 

"What was that about?" Luka asked as Abby approached him. 

"It was nothing. Things have just been uncomfortable between John and me." The pair started to walk towards the cafeteria. 

"I'm sorry to hear that." Luka wanted to say more. He knew all to well what it felt like to experience an uncomfortable air with Abby. 

"Luka, I didn't want to talk about my problems with Carter with you today. I wanted to talk about our problems. I want for us to be close again. I'm sorry for all of the mistakes I've made. I need you to forgive me." 

"What am I to forgive you for?" 

"For not talking to you. For not telling you about Carter." 

"Abby, you were never obligated to tell me anything about Carter." Luka spoke softly and evenly, but his face showed how uncomfortable he was with this conversation. 

"I know that I didn't have to; but I should have. I shouldn't be keeping secrets from you. I'm learning. I know that you need to understand what's going on with me, if we're together. I'm beginning to realize how much it must hurt you not to know why I'm always upset. I'm beginning to realize that I'm upset a lot." Abby paused to catch her breath. 

Luka smiled. "I guess you are upset a lot." 

"I know. I'm working on that." 

They reached the cafeteria and placed their orders. After picking up their food, they headed over to a table over in the corner. 

"Luka, do you think that you'll ever be able to forgive me?" 

"Abby, there's nothing that I need to forgive you for. I'm not sure if I should be saying this right now, but I love you. I want nothing more than for us to work out our problems." 

"I love you, too, Luka. I want for us to work out our problems, too." 

"Good." Luka reached his hand over the table and placed it over Abby's. He felt happy he hadn't felt this happy in a long time. He was hoping that they really might work things out. There was one thing he felt Abby needed to do, before they could be together, though. "Abby," he said softly. 

"Mmm-hmm?" 

"You need to talk to Carter. You need to resolve things with him." 

"I don't think he's going to want to talk to me... especially when he knows that you and I are trying to work things out." 

"You need to at least try, Abby. He is your friend: that's important." 

"He was my friend." 

"Maybe he won't want to be friends anymore, but you have to talk to him. You told me that he said he 'didn't want to wish bad things' for you and me." 

"I don't think he meant that he wanted to wish us good things." 

"Talk to him Abby. You need to resolve your problems with him. You need to make sure of where things stand with him. And, you need… you need to make sure that you really don't have any feelings for him." 

"Luka, I promise, I don't. I..." 

"Please Abby. It would make me feel better. I need to know." 

"I'll try." 

"Thank you." 

Luka leaned forward and kissed Abby on the forehead. Abby smiled. The moment was quickly interrupted, when Luka's pager went off. 

"It looks like we'd better get back to work." The two headed back to the ER, Luka's arm around Abby shoulders, as they had walked so many times before. As they headed back, Abby thought about talking to Carter. Luka was right; it was something she needed to do. She decided that she would try to catch him later that day. 


	7. Part 7

A Long Road to Follow

**A Long Road to Follow** **Part 7< />**

Another day, another dollar. Another dollar spent, that is, on therapy. Abby was still attending her weekly sessions with her therapist. There were many things that she still hadn't accomplished. She still hadn't managed to talk to Carter, she didn't know where her relationship was going with Luka, she didn't know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, or even what she wanted to do for dinner. Fortunately today, her therapist seemed to be asking almost all of the right questions. 

"So Abby, now that you've repaired your relationship with Luka, what happens next?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Are you now satisfied with your life the way it is? Do you want more? Are there other relationships that you want to work on? Do you want to go further in your relationship with Luka?" 

"Woah... slow down. That's a lot of questions." 

"Take your pick and answer any one you want." 

"Well, I don't know. My life is okay for now the way it is... but I don't know what it is that I want anymore." 

"What did you want before?" 

"I guess that depends. When things got bad with Richard, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor." 

"Why did you decide that? Had you always wanted to be a doctor?" 

"When Richard and I met during college, I was pre-med. Richard was a year ahead of me. He proposed to me the semester before he graduated. I said yes right away- I couldn't believe I was going to be able to get away from my mother. Richard had already been accepted to med school, so it just made sense that he should go. I already had most of the classes that I needed for nursing anyways, so I just switched. It was the practical thing to do, so that we would have money to live on, so that's what I did." 

"So what happened after that?" 

"Richard promised that I would be able to start med school as soon as he finished his residency, but he had hoped I would give that up, stay a nurse, have a couple of kids..." Abby finally broke off. She didn't know if she could continue. 

"Please go on Abby." 

After a few moments of silence, and a painful look on her face, Abby continued. "For a while, I didn't forget. I was a good nurse, and I liked my job, but I wanted more out of my career. I didn't want children-that was a decision I had made a long time ago. I didn't want to risk bring a bipolar child into the world. Even more, I was terribly afraid that if I got pregnant, I might become bipolar postpartum. I know that there is a chance of that. And then it happened. I got pregnant. One day, I missed my period, and then I started getting sick all of the time..." Abby stopped to breathe. "Richard was working all of the time, he never even suspected. I couldn't have the baby, so... I had an abortion." 

Abby stopped, waiting for a reaction, but didn't get one. She stared at the woman across the table, wondering why she didn't condemn her. She waited for her to speak. 

"Abby, I think that you made the best choice that you thought you could make at the time. I won't share my opinion on the subject of abortion, because that's not what's important here. You were right that your baby could have developed bipolar disorder when he got older; you also could have become bipolar yourself. On the other hand, nothing might have happened in regards to bipolar disorder. Everything could have been fine, or something completely unrelated might have happened. There are no guarantees about anything in life." 

Abby mumbled under her breath: "That's what my mother said." 

Silence followed for a few more moments. 

"What happened after the abortion?" 

"Richard and I stopped talking. Actually, I stopped talking; Richard didn't have much of a choice. Then I started drinking. Within a year, I had hit rock bottom. Richard pretty much stopped caring what was going on with me, and I realized that he was cheating on me. So, I joined AA and I stopped drinking. When I hit my one year mark, I took the MCATs, and started applying to med schools. For the next year, I tried to work things out with Richard, but it was too late. We had grown too far apart, and we didn't love each other. I'm not sure if I ever really loved him. So, I filed for divorce. Then I met Luka, before the divorce was even final. We started dating not long after my divorce was final. And here I am." 

"So, you've pretty much never been out of a relationship for your entire adult life?" 

"Luka and I started dating about 3 months after my divorce became final." 

"Did you make any decisions about how you wanted to live your life in those 3 months?" 

"I just knew that I wanted to finish med school, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it." 

"Did something change after that?" 

"Yeah, Richard didn't pay my tuition, and I got kicked out." 

"Are you going to start again? The fall semester is right around the corner." 

"I wanted to, and then I didn't want to, and now I don't know what I want to do." 

"What do you think changed your mind? Is it your relationship with Luka?" 

"Yes and no." 

"Why don't you try making some 'pro' and 'con' lists, about how going to school will affect you and your relationship?" 

Abby rolled her eyes, in her typical old style. 

"I saw that." 

Abby blushed. "I'm sorry... it just, well, it just sounds corny." 

"I won't tell anyone you made some corny lists, I promise." 

Abby sighed. "Okay." She had to stop and think for a while. "Well, I guess the biggest problem for me is that I don't have enough money without taking out more loans." 

"Do you think you could have enough money in another year?" 

"I probably could. Actually, Luka offered to help me pay, but I can't let him do that. I have to do this on my own, if it's what I decide to do." 

"I think that is very wise. So, if you waited a year, you could go back, and pay for it yourself. What else is a 'con'?" 

"My relationship with Luka complicates things, administratively." 

"You are absolutely right with that. I don't know the policies of your school, but you would probably not be allowed to work with him." 

"So we'd have to break up, anyways." 

"What would that solve?" 

"It would solve the political problem." 

"But it would make the emotional problem even worse, though, don't you think? The fact is: you already have a relationship. Breaking up will only make it worse." 

Abby paused. "I guess it would. So what do I do? Med students can't date any of the staff." 

"Does your school allow students to do rotations in other hospitals? I would think that there must have been other situations in the past that might be awkward, like with family members. There must be a way around it." 

"I think its possible to go elsewhere." 

"What is your specialty going to be?" 

"I don't know yet. I've thought about emergency medicine, but I'm also interested in pediatrics. I guess my heart is still in OB, though." 

"Then you have a lot of different options. There are other ERs, and it's quite possible that you'll end up in another department when it comes time for a big decision. What else is on the list?" 

"Do you think that this is the biggest problem?" 

Abby bit her lip, and nodded her head in agreement. "When I first wanted to be a doctor, I was younger. It didn't seem like four years of med school and maybe five years of a residency were that bad. I'd finish by the time I was in my early 30s. But, here I am, in my 30s, with the end a whole lot further away." 

"Is there something that maybe you think you'd like to do with that time instead?" 

Abby didn't answer. 

"You've done a lot of good work today, Abby. I hope that you'll think about how you really want to spend the next few years of your life. Maybe you want to talk about it with Luka. It's perfectly all right if you don't want to right now, though. At least think about. You don't have to make any decisions right now." 

"Thanks." 

"See you next week." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Abby decided to walk home, rather than take the El. It was a beautiful day, and she needed the fresh air. She sat down on a bench by the river, and just watched the people going by. There was a bunch of teen-aged girls smoking cigarettes and talking about boys; there was a young couple walking arm in arm. She saw a slightly older couple walking with one child in a stroller, the other child holding his dad's hand. Down the way, there was an old woman sitting by herself, feeding the pigeons. 

Abby took all of this in, and thought about her own life. She still didn't know what she wanted. She knew she wanted to keep dating Luka; she cared so much for him, and knew how much he cared for her. But despite her recent words to him, she wasn't sure if she really loved him. She wasn't sure if she was capable. Abby knew in her heart, that they couldn't keep "dating" forever. Eventually, they would need to move forward, or they would have to stop. It was something she didn't want to think of at all. 

She sat by herself in silence, watching the woman feeding the pigeons. She became lost in her thoughts, and lost track of the time. She eventually realized that it was getting dark, and headed home. She didn't like being by the river at night anymore. 

When she arrived home, Luka was pacing in her apartment. "Abby, where have you been? I've been so worried... I thought something happened to you..." 

Abby wordlessly fell into his arms. He held her close and stroked her hair. 

"I'm sorry Luka, I lost track of the time." 

"It's all right. I'm just glad that you're here now." He squeezed her tight, and then leaned in to kiss her. He was surprised when he looked into her face. "What's wrong Abby? Did something happen?" 

"No, I was just thinking all afternoon." 

"Is there anything you want to share? How do you say it-a penny for your thoughts?" 

Abby smiled. "Yes, there's a lot that I want to share, but I'm not sure if I'm ready right now." 

Luka looked a little disappointed, but pulled Abby close again. "When you're ready Abby, I'm right here." 

"Thank you." 

They embraced a bit longer, and Luka bent down to kiss Abby again. "I made you dinner." 

"You're really more wonderful than I deserve, Luka." 

"Well, I am wonderful," --both Luka and Abby cracked a smile-- "but you deserve all kinds of wonderful things, Abby. You're a wonderful person." 

"Okay, wonderful man, lead me to my wonderful dinner." 

"As you wish." 

The doubts that had clouded Abby's mind took a break as she sat down to dinner. She decided that she would put all of her fears, doubts and worries for the evening. She was going to enjoy the night for all it was worth-after all, she didn't have to make any decisions right away. 


End file.
